This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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