Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
