Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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