i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
