I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
