I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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