$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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