She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
