I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
