Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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