Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
