I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
