My liver just broke up with me...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
