One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
