Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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