Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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