So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sorry my hands just texted you
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
