It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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