Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
