My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
