I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
