Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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