If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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