hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
