I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
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Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
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i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize