Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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