i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
