got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
