you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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