Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
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I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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