Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
