explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
