could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
