well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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