you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
