found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
not ubering you a puppy
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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