Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
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You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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