Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
