I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
