I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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