So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
