I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i love accidental penises.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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