I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
