remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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