i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
