woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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