I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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