it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
