You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
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I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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