I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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