I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
