so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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