woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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