I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
