she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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