I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
