if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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