party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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