you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
